She grabbed the bathrobe, wrapping it on her naked body, sweating, trembling, sliding down on the floor taking her knees up, clasping her hands around.
She cried her heart out. Her husband, her friend, her gudda had tried to hurt her, dragged her into the hell, she had tried her best to forget...! He was invading her, her fears which she had tried to burry deep under... Suddenly the long buried trauma was unearthed, whipping her! Her hungry gudda had left her heart bleeding in anguish...!
Biting her knees to stifle her sobs she was injuring herself...! The anguish filled everywhere, suffocating her. She tried to breathe .... floundering on the cold floor, chocking herself...! Time passed, she had cried into her sleep and when she got up she was still on the floor of the bathroom, with numbness paralyzing her body. She tried to pull herself up. She couldn't..!
"Ravi...!" she groaned. In the moment of anguish she could remember only Ravi, her gudda...! The same gudda, who tried till he succeeded in finding her out, when she was kidnapped...! Her gudda, who supported when she was feeling low, when Sanyogita tried to strangulate her..!
"How could he do this?" she shudderred .. ! His bare body flashed... She shrunk...! "No..!" this can't be true..! He can't do this to her..! Her insides burned...! She whimpered with shivers of cold... The same feeling of fear and anxiety...
when once she accidentally had opened the porn website and could not sleep for days together, with her body heating up seeing those weird, nude human bodies...! She had formatted her hard disk fearing the cookies installed would pop such sites up anytime to flash such nasty, filthy pictures...! There was no excitement, thrill but anxiety and fear. She dared not to talk about it to anyone..! The scenes kept flashing, giving her bouts of fear...! It was no where near to the normal romantic Bollywood movies she used to enjoy otherwise...! Those obscene pictures kept flashing, giving her hot blushes, making her weaker...!
She didn't understand what was happening to her..! Why her gudda looked like one of them... those nasty people...!
Did he really? she clutched her head...! "No, he can't be one of them... he ..." For her he was her gudda, her buddy...! She looked up miserably... she had made herself miserable. She had not only hurt her gudda, she had hurt herself too..! "How would he know what my fears are... What I went through...? He is my husband...!" she thought... remembering... her mamma had tried to knock some sense in her when she had returned home after her wedding.
"Dhatri...Are you really listening to what I am trying to say?" she had asked her when she got no response from her daughter Dhatri.
"Yes, Mamma... I know what is wedding and relationship... I will handle it.." she had said confidently without paying much attention to what her mamma was saying about physical relations between husband and wife...! She was confident about Ravi that he wouldn't do anything against her wishes...! She was sure...! But then... How would he
Her mind was all distorted...! She sobbed harder...first time she felt so helpless and guilty...! The silence outside was killing... Ravi had gone away... far away from her...! She had thrown him out...!
With efforts she brought herself to her feet and opened the bathroom door. Gathering her clothes, she pulled her night dress on. Ravi was nowhere ...! She sat on the bed all lost, not knowing what she would do now? Where she would go... if Ravi had abandoned her...! The wrist watch kept on the table chimed and she shuddered.
"Ravi...!" she cried hiding her face into her pulled up knees...!
"Oh!" Ravi opened his burning eyes and looked around. He didn't know when had he dozed off. "Dhatri... " the worry had returned.
"Is she ok? " he got up to his feet and hurriedly went up to the elivator...! He stood but couldn't tap on the door. What would she do? Would he be able to face her? But he had no choice...!
"Dhatri...!" he knocked and Dhatri jumped to her feet. Within a moment she opened the door. He stood before her, avoiding her eyes.. she turned into the room. He came in. Both didn't know what will happen next...!
"Coffee..?" she blurted finding her feet.
he ordered...! She stole a glance... It was evident from his swollen eyes that he had not slept... she looked away guiltily. He waited awkwardly for the coffee to arive. She made patterns on the carpet with her toe.
He poured the coffee. Kept one on the table. She took it. He was avoiding her...! Guilt took over. She was his wife.. he had every right to...She again shudderred with the night's experience. He sensed it...resolving that he would never touch her again..!There was something wrong, terribly wrong with her...! She stole a glance at him..! He had busied himself in packing.
"Are we going back? Or is he going alone, somewhere? What will I do now?" she looked lost again.
"P...Packing...! " she couldn't complete. He just gave a slight nod without even looking at her. He had started packing her things too, to her relief. He was not abandoning her...! He was taking her along...cutting short their pleasure trip...!
******* ****** ****
She opened her eyes to find him before her eyes. She blinked blankly. Where was she? He took her hand in his, counting her pulse. She didn't resist. The effect of tranquilizers had made her calmer...! Another face appeared from behind, giving her bouts of guilt. Vinit gazed at her. She had tried to kill herself.
"How do you feel?" Col. Gomez suddenly sounded very kind and affectionate. She just nodded overwhelmed with his concern. The otherwise, very stern and strict Col. Gomez sounded kind and fatherly. The nurse brought in a mugful of coffee and she sipped silently sitting on the bed.
"Take care..." Col Gomez marched out followed by Vinit. Rini's eyes followed them to the door. She sighed. "What had happened to her? what made her emotionally unstable? Was she losing it? Was the trauma taking toll on her? Was she that worthless, what she felt she was..? " The feeling of worthlessness was so overwhelming, she just pulled the blanket over her head closing her eyes, tears rolling down... the was braking down... physically, emotionally...! She needed someone to cry her heart out, someone to hold her and say, she was worth something.. She was the pillar of strength for everyone around... now crumpled under pressure...!
"Rini...!" she heard her mamma and threw the blanket away... Her mamma... was here for her... was she hallucinating? Was it a dream... ? For how long she had been in her peaceful slumber...?She closed her eyes shut not wanting to come out of that dream...!
Col. Gomez and Vinit stood at the door hoping the right effect. Salil turned his face wiping his tears... Rini needed someone badly to vent out all the negativity, she had piled up in her mind for so long...!
"Rini..." Nilima pulled her up in a tight assuring embrace and Rini broke down, crying her heart out...! Nilima kept patting her, stroking her head... let the catharsis be over...! She knew her Rini would come around Strong, like a rock again...! She knew...!
Vinit watched them with moist eyes. The decision to take her family members in confidence about her unsettling feelings and PTSD had prove correct.
She cried her heart out. Her husband, her friend, her gudda had tried to hurt her, dragged her into the hell, she had tried her best to forget...! He was invading her, her fears which she had tried to burry deep under... Suddenly the long buried trauma was unearthed, whipping her! Her hungry gudda had left her heart bleeding in anguish...!
Biting her knees to stifle her sobs she was injuring herself...! The anguish filled everywhere, suffocating her. She tried to breathe .... floundering on the cold floor, chocking herself...! Time passed, she had cried into her sleep and when she got up she was still on the floor of the bathroom, with numbness paralyzing her body. She tried to pull herself up. She couldn't..!
"Ravi...!" she groaned. In the moment of anguish she could remember only Ravi, her gudda...! The same gudda, who tried till he succeeded in finding her out, when she was kidnapped...! Her gudda, who supported when she was feeling low, when Sanyogita tried to strangulate her..!
"How could he do this?" she shudderred .. ! His bare body flashed... She shrunk...! "No..!" this can't be true..! He can't do this to her..! Her insides burned...! She whimpered with shivers of cold... The same feeling of fear and anxiety...
when once she accidentally had opened the porn website and could not sleep for days together, with her body heating up seeing those weird, nude human bodies...! She had formatted her hard disk fearing the cookies installed would pop such sites up anytime to flash such nasty, filthy pictures...! There was no excitement, thrill but anxiety and fear. She dared not to talk about it to anyone..! The scenes kept flashing, giving her bouts of fear...! It was no where near to the normal romantic Bollywood movies she used to enjoy otherwise...! Those obscene pictures kept flashing, giving her hot blushes, making her weaker...!
She didn't understand what was happening to her..! Why her gudda looked like one of them... those nasty people...!
Did he really? she clutched her head...! "No, he can't be one of them... he ..." For her he was her gudda, her buddy...! She looked up miserably... she had made herself miserable. She had not only hurt her gudda, she had hurt herself too..! "How would he know what my fears are... What I went through...? He is my husband...!" she thought... remembering... her mamma had tried to knock some sense in her when she had returned home after her wedding.
"Dhatri...Are you really listening to what I am trying to say?" she had asked her when she got no response from her daughter Dhatri.
"Yes, Mamma... I know what is wedding and relationship... I will handle it.." she had said confidently without paying much attention to what her mamma was saying about physical relations between husband and wife...! She was confident about Ravi that he wouldn't do anything against her wishes...! She was sure...! But then... How would he
Her mind was all distorted...! She sobbed harder...first time she felt so helpless and guilty...! The silence outside was killing... Ravi had gone away... far away from her...! She had thrown him out...!
With efforts she brought herself to her feet and opened the bathroom door. Gathering her clothes, she pulled her night dress on. Ravi was nowhere ...! She sat on the bed all lost, not knowing what she would do now? Where she would go... if Ravi had abandoned her...! The wrist watch kept on the table chimed and she shuddered.
"Ravi...!" she cried hiding her face into her pulled up knees...!
"Oh!" Ravi opened his burning eyes and looked around. He didn't know when had he dozed off. "Dhatri... " the worry had returned.
"Is she ok? " he got up to his feet and hurriedly went up to the elivator...! He stood but couldn't tap on the door. What would she do? Would he be able to face her? But he had no choice...!
"Dhatri...!" he knocked and Dhatri jumped to her feet. Within a moment she opened the door. He stood before her, avoiding her eyes.. she turned into the room. He came in. Both didn't know what will happen next...!
"Coffee..?" she blurted finding her feet.
he ordered...! She stole a glance... It was evident from his swollen eyes that he had not slept... she looked away guiltily. He waited awkwardly for the coffee to arive. She made patterns on the carpet with her toe.
He poured the coffee. Kept one on the table. She took it. He was avoiding her...! Guilt took over. She was his wife.. he had every right to...She again shudderred with the night's experience. He sensed it...resolving that he would never touch her again..!There was something wrong, terribly wrong with her...! She stole a glance at him..! He had busied himself in packing.
"Are we going back? Or is he going alone, somewhere? What will I do now?" she looked lost again.
"P...Packing...! " she couldn't complete. He just gave a slight nod without even looking at her. He had started packing her things too, to her relief. He was not abandoning her...! He was taking her along...cutting short their pleasure trip...!
******* ****** ****
She opened her eyes to find him before her eyes. She blinked blankly. Where was she? He took her hand in his, counting her pulse. She didn't resist. The effect of tranquilizers had made her calmer...! Another face appeared from behind, giving her bouts of guilt. Vinit gazed at her. She had tried to kill herself.
"How do you feel?" Col. Gomez suddenly sounded very kind and affectionate. She just nodded overwhelmed with his concern. The otherwise, very stern and strict Col. Gomez sounded kind and fatherly. The nurse brought in a mugful of coffee and she sipped silently sitting on the bed.
"Take care..." Col Gomez marched out followed by Vinit. Rini's eyes followed them to the door. She sighed. "What had happened to her? what made her emotionally unstable? Was she losing it? Was the trauma taking toll on her? Was she that worthless, what she felt she was..? " The feeling of worthlessness was so overwhelming, she just pulled the blanket over her head closing her eyes, tears rolling down... the was braking down... physically, emotionally...! She needed someone to cry her heart out, someone to hold her and say, she was worth something.. She was the pillar of strength for everyone around... now crumpled under pressure...!
"Rini...!" she heard her mamma and threw the blanket away... Her mamma... was here for her... was she hallucinating? Was it a dream... ? For how long she had been in her peaceful slumber...?She closed her eyes shut not wanting to come out of that dream...!
Col. Gomez and Vinit stood at the door hoping the right effect. Salil turned his face wiping his tears... Rini needed someone badly to vent out all the negativity, she had piled up in her mind for so long...!
"Rini..." Nilima pulled her up in a tight assuring embrace and Rini broke down, crying her heart out...! Nilima kept patting her, stroking her head... let the catharsis be over...! She knew her Rini would come around Strong, like a rock again...! She knew...!
Vinit watched them with moist eyes. The decision to take her family members in confidence about her unsettling feelings and PTSD had prove correct.
Hello
ReplyDeleteHope you read this and feel like commenting...!
KF
Seems there are chances that she might let her gudda off the hook a bit easily..counting the positives in him is making the trauma a bit bearable...but would his own guilt make it easy for him??..
ReplyDeleteloved the way you described the waves of emotions hitting her..her feelings of pain, anxiety, fear, insecurity and somewhere the soft corner for him...after all he is her Husband!!
Relieved that Rini is on her path to recovery...and help from all sides are pouring in, especially from her parents.....she needs their unconditional love and care to strengthen herself...
Not sure what to expect next on Ravi-Dhaa front ...would they open up and solve everything themselves or would there be a need for foreign intervention?
Thanks for the interesting read!
Thank you mymind for your beautiful comment...
Deletehehehe.. let us see if and how they resolve...
The world my dear is full of sorrows and deceit..............................is it necessary to include that theme in the story as well? (but then its your story i can't dictate terms.......i wondered). I was reading the initial chapters of this story..................they were full of life, love, friendship and naughtiness.
ReplyDeleteI just miss my full-of-life JL.
but the energy, time and ideas you put in each of your update is truly commendable :)
Oh yes.. once should take and deceit and sorrows in life as pickle in the dinner dish... hehehe....
DeleteThank you myla.
KF
Hi Khushifan!!
ReplyDelete"Even in the moment of anguish, she could remember only her Gudda" .... Amidst all her pain, fear, turmoil, her feelings of repulsion and filth, the first name that came to her mind was her Gudda, when she was in distress. She is also contemplating and reasoning out the actions and reactions, and giving him the benefit of doubt, feeling guilty looking at his predicament... all good, positive signs from her!! Again, the sense that he is not abandoning her, which she feared before, will give her security. Ravi's guilt is eating him up... how soon will he able to redeem himself???
Ahh, finally Rini is opening up, finding solace in her mother, venting out all her feelings!!
Wonderful update... loved the way you have expressed Dhaatri's distorted thoughts.... well-written!!
yeah, svkuki... this is how the mindset changes once a girl gets married...
DeleteThank you for your insightful comment
Hi Khushifan!! :)
ReplyDeleteSeems like Dhaa is feeling more guilty rather than being angry....something that I had definitely not expected from her...!
She does realise that Ravi is a good man...he has always taken care of her & stuff like that...but I didn't quite understand her guilt...She has more rights over herself than Ravi does...She has a right to say no to her husband!!
Maybe she is deeply confused by his behaviour...the fact that he has never hurt her is surfacing in her mind...
Her insecurity regarding Ravi abandoning her was very well potrayed! She was scared that since she had denied Ravi, he might leave her for good!!
Really don't know if & when Dhaa will forgive Ravi, & Ravi will forgive himself, but I hope they talk about it soon!!
Moving on to Vini-Rini, it was really touching!! Rini, who always provided support to her family, who stood solid as a rock, was so emotionally vulnerable & distressed that she tried to commit suicide!!
Never had I thought that such a drastic step would come from Rini's side, but I am happy that now she finally does have someone to confide in, that is, if she decides to confide in at all...Hope she herself tells her mother about her traumatic experiences....Talking to someone dear always helps...
Waiting for the next part Khushifan!!
Thanks for the update :D
sakshi... thanks for your beautiful comment. and yes, she had right to say no to her husband. But she didn't know what he was doing to her... and somewhere she also expected and enjoyed his indulgence...
Deletewhat say?
Hi KF am catching up again after 5 updates - my father's health again.. So sorry I could not comment earlier - you take all the trouble to update and it's the least we can do to tell you how much we enjoy each of your updates.. Seriously I was on a roller coaster!! So much emotion and so much happening with Ravi winning his case and trying to woo Dhaa.. His approach was all wrong and she was intoxicated with the drink but he was intoxicated with her!! The unpleasant incident from the past keeps haunting her and Ravi's approach did not help in any way.. She knows Ravi is as upset and hurt as she is.. Hope they have a heart to heart and sort things out soon.. So also Rini and Vinit - hope the outlet of emotions helps Rini and she is able to move on with life.. Her mind is full of all the horrifying things done to her and the other women in her team.. So terrible to think that these are the kind of sacrifices these men and women have to make in the line of duty. Hope everything works out for her and she is able to rejoin duty soon.. Vinit will not leave her for sure - these two love each other to bits so am sure the love will prevail.
ReplyDeleteThank you starlight and pls take good care of your father... ! old parents are the precious things we have in our life...!
Delete